


Jealousy

by Adam_FaulknerStanheight



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: Coffee, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drugs, F/M, Jealousy, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23447863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adam_FaulknerStanheight/pseuds/Adam_FaulknerStanheight
Summary: Amanda Young possessed many qualities, but she was far from perfect. Her willingness to admit her faults grew as she spent more time with John, as did the ugly monster that resided in the back of her head, feeding off of her insecurities. That monster was called "Jealousy". For the very first time, she felt genuine jealousy. Perhaps it had even evolved to resentment over the months she spent with John. The one person who refused to take part in John's life work was the very person to who he had chosen to devote his heart. Yes, he devoted his entire heart to a woman who unworthy of him and his capabilities.Jill Tuck might have been the woman who carried his child all of those years ago - the child Amanda had ultimately killed - but she was no longer devoted to him.But Jill was not the only woman Amanda envied: Dr, Lynn Denlon had also earned herself a negative image. The woman tried to get John dependant on her by postponing the necessary treatment.
Relationships: John "Jigsaw" Kramer & Amanda Young, John "Jigsaw" Kramer/Jill Tuck
Kudos: 7





	Jealousy

'I love you', John whispered as he clamped his hand around Lynn's upper arm. He was weak - crazy, perhaps - but he was clear enough to profess his love to this woman.

***

_'I have the feeling that something's bothering you', John suddenly said, interrupting his apprentice's explanation. He took Amanda's hands into his own to secure her attention. 'You have been behaving oddly lately.'_

_'It's nothing', she replied nonchalantly, careful to avoid her mentor's gaze. Instead, her eyes settled on their hands, on how perfectly they fit together. For a moment, she was at peace. She didn't even notice the sketches that lay under her scarred arms. All that counted was her hands resting in his, her soul finding its safe haven within him._

_One involuntary glance at the clock ruined the moment. Jill was due to arrive in about five minutes. Lately, the blonde woman had made a habit of showing up around 2 PM every Saturday. She would have a cup of coffee and talk to John before leaving around 3 PM, leaving John exhausted._

_Usually, Amanda managed to find an excuse to get out of the other woman's way, but not today. She hated it when she had to linger around, indirectly forced to listen to the obnoxious small talk Jill oftentimes tried to push onto her husband and Amanda, genuinely believing that she was doing him a favor by telling him everything she had seen and heard that week._

_Worst of all: despite his visible boredom, he never asked her to be quiet or to calm down. He simply listened on, nodding and smiling warmly. Jill rarely told anything interesting, but he treated every single word with the utmost interest and deepest respect._

_'John?' a voice called from the hall. Heels clicked on the floor as she approached._

_Amanda recoiled internally. She sought for an excuse to leave the man's presence, but nothing came up._

_'Hello, darling', Jill said as she walked over to her husband. Amanda immediately noticed her clothing. She was wearing a simple white blouse and black trousers. A more casual attire than the previous week._

_The stab of jealousy was all the same nonetheless. Amanda felt her muscles tighten as she witnessed the other woman press her lips onto John's. He simply placed a hand on her arm, painfully aware of Amanda's discomfort. Without a single word, he gestured for his wife to take a seat opposite him, where Amanda had been seconds earlier._

_'Could you please get Jill some coffee?' he asked politely, almost as if he was speaking to his housekeeper. He didn't mean to be rude, he just wanted to keep the two women apart, just to avoid the creation of friction between the two of them. It was quite clear that Amanda didn't like Jill too much._

_Despite her dismay that she was addressed the way she was, the young woman couldn't help but obey. She walked over to the door immediately, ignoring the request for creamer and sugar. She had made coffee for Jill so often, that she knew exactly how the woman liked it. After confirming that John didn't want coffee, she walked off._

_When she returned, she felt the familiar stab of jealousy. Neither John nor Jill noticed her return, and neither seemed too keen to even remember her presence in the building. They only had attention for each other, almost as if they had never grown apart from each other. Amanda felt shut out. She felt like she was invading a dream: John's dream to be reunited with Jill on a more intimate level._

_She set the cup of coffee down more violently than she had intended to. John gave her a disapproving glance when a bit of coffee spilled over the cup's rim, but he didn't comment on it, nor did Jill. The three people just cast awkward glances back and forth._

_'I'll just go grab a... A paper towel.' With those words, Amanda rushed out of the room, face red-hot with embarrassment. For the first time, she was glad to have some more physical distance between her and John. She was absolutely fine with physical distance, to a certain extent._

_The kind of distance she feared was the emotional distance he tended to keep between her and himself. He seemed to be unwilling to let her closer. Although he shared every single sketch and every single idea with her regarding the traps, he never told her how he felt about the distance between him and Jill. He never gave her a definitive answer on whether or not he still loved her. Whenever he spoke of Jill, he did so in a respectful manner, and he occasionally allowed himself to brag about how she was the perfect woman for him. But he never actually said that he loved Jill. He didn't say that his love had faded, but he didn't say that it hadn't either, and it made Amanda go mad with insecurity. It frustrated her to no end that he kept refusing that one question._

_***_

That and more memories ran through her head as she leaned over the drugs. Her mind told her to steer clear of them, while her heart longed to be healed, even if it was temporary. No more pain, no more thinking. This particular temptation had come up in the past, but never as strong. Never before had she felt so rejected, of so little consequence to John. Would John be angry if she did it? Would he even care? She had promised him loyalty, and now he had abandoned her by pledging his love to a woman other than her. She didn't long to be his lover, she just wanted his attention, his appreciation. Everything she had ever felt for him - admiration, respect, the longing to be more than just "the second apprentice" - it had all fallen apart, ruined by John's disinterest in her.

After considering her options for a bit, she decided to not take the drugs, to not give in to her heart's desire. She wasn't doing this for John, so he could be proud of her strong will. No, she did it for herself, so she could be proud of herself.

The drugs were sent flying across the room. This was not the path she wanted to go down. She wanted to remain clean.

In one fluid movement, she got up. She left the drugs for what they were and walked over to another room, grabbing a knife on the way there. She pulled down her trousers and set the knife to her inner thigh. Her eyes shot to the door to see if Lynn had begun to get worried about her already.

She regretted turning around after offering Lynn the chance she had. Would Lynn have killed her if she had stayed still a little longer? Would she have swung the ax into her neck?

***

When she reappeared in Lynn's presence, a new cut had been made on her leg. The leg had been bandaged carefully; not even John was allowed to know. He would simply berate her for "not understanding the value of life".


End file.
